When Life Rearranges Itself

Last year, my dad passed away the day before Christmas.

I’m not going to write a whole thing about grief because I don’t think that helps anyone, least of all me. But it changed a lot about how I function, and since this is where I write about stuff, here it is.

Being lived

There’s this Dutch expression - “geleefd worden” - being lived. As in, life is happening to you instead of the other way around. That’s what the first few weeks felt like. You go through the motions. You handle things. People ask how you’re doing and you say fine because what else are you going to say. Although, it was pretty nice to just let it all out when I was near loved ones.

And it wasn’t just the grief. Losing someone has a way of shaking up everything around it too. Family stuff that was already complicated got worse. You find out pretty quickly who’s actually there for you and who just makes things harder.

Work didn’t stop. Neither did all the messages. Nothing stops, which is the annoying part. The world just keeps going and you’re supposed to keep going with it.

I didn’t, really. Not for a while. I showed up but I wasn’t all there. Couldn’t focus on things for more than twenty minutes. Started stuff, forgot what I was doing, started something else. It was like my brain had a bandwidth limit and grief was using most of it. All of my time and energy went into arranging everything regarding my dad in January.

Having a business partner who actually has your back

This is the part I keep coming back to. I’m lucky - genuinely lucky - to have a business partner who just took over. No questions or no guilt trips, no “take all the time you need” followed by a list of things that he wanted me to handle. He just took care of all of it, for weeks.

And the best part is, I didn’t have to ask for any of it. No status update or explaining what was in progress. He knew and dealt with it. That’s not something you can fake or learn from a management book. That’s just someone who gives a shit. A genuine very good friend.

I don’t know what I would’ve done without that. Probably burned out trying to keep everything running while also dealing with grief and family drama I didn’t ask for. When some connections fall apart, it makes you appreciate the ones that don’t.

What’s different now

I work differently. Not dramatically - I’m still me, still too focused on details, still up too late sometimes. But I stopped treating every deadline like it matters equally. Some things can wait. Some major things which used to stress me out before, now don’t!

I try to say no more often. That goes for work, but honestly it goes for people too. Not everyone deserves your energy, and that’s a thing I wish I’d figured out sooner.

I don’t have a neat ending for this

I know that my dad would’ve absolutely loved this website, by the way. I guess it’s kind of in my blood after all. Even though he didn’t always fully understand what I do, he was very proud anyway.

I’m fine. Things are fine. Not everything has been resolved yet and there’s still many steps to take, but the ones close to me that matter the most are solid. Work is good, life is good. It’s just different now, and I think it’s going to stay different. That’s okay.