Things I
never
finished writing.
A collection of thoughts, designs, and half-baked ideas - adding stuff when I feel like it.
I've been working on a book for years, and was never satisfied. So, now I'm just going to put something out there, and keep adding to it whenever I have something to say. It's a book about design, creativity, and the things I've learned along the way.
Some ideas need room to breathe. They won't fit in a tweet, barely fit on a page, and definitely won't fit into a conversation.
art
It's not about the art but about understanding
what it means to be understood by you
Thijs Hankel
Art is a creative activity that expresses imaginative or technical skill. It produces an artifact also called a work of Art for others to experience. Those who do this are called artists. They have to affect the emotions of people.
...
HELLO
HELLO?
ANYONE THERE?
CAN YOU SEE?
CAN YOU SEE, ME?
L: What are you afraid of?
T: I don't want you to hate me
it is 2023 and i'm standing on a high bridge
i feel empty and empty feels heavy
it feels like 2013 all over again
the water looks so soft
everything stops
now is scary
later is far away
history is past time
i want to disappear
away from who i was
the freedom is too free
nobody is who i want to be now
I JUST FEEL SO ALONE HERE
And in the darkness, I find myself alone, because it doesn't change its color for different people. Darkness doesn't care who you are. Some folks just seem sad from the start, for no clear reason. They bruise easily, tire quickly, cry fast, remember too much, and get sadder earlier than most. I know because I'm one of them.
When you're stuck in darkness for so long, it feels like darkness is staring at you, too. I am terrified by this dark thing that sleeps in me. All day, I feel its soft, creepy movements, its badness.
It's easy to understand when a kid fears the dark. But the real sad part is when grown-ups fear the light. I used to hide under my pillow, pretending it was night. I didn't see the point of getting up; there was nothing to look forward to.
You must spend time crawling alone through shadows to really know how good it feels to stand in the sun. But darkness can't make darkness go away. Only light can do that. Hate can't make hate disappear, only love can. And then, when it's really, really dark, you can see the stars. The light against the dark.
Nobody
The moment has passed. It happened, I've seen it, I've been there. There is nothing left but a space for me to fill. More than two hundred and fifty empty pages spread over almost 25 years. But what do I know? Every letter on the papyrus has already been written in every possible language. Is writing just puzzling? A combination of written ideas to hunt for something new. But do I have to offer something that you don't already know?
No, that moment has passed. I've seen it, I've been there. If life stops I'm done. When I was little I wanted to become somebody and now I want everybody to forget me. Only in reverse I can still see who I ever was.
In infinity everything is a possibility
Without rules there is no game
And it will be difficult to play together
But don't worry, I will give you everything
We have to get through this together
You and me
Preface
I've always had a big admiration for different play and usage of words, audio and video to make people feel. Never could I fathom how artists were able to influence the feelings and emotions of their audience, whether that would be through video, audio or words.
I have always been a creative person myself, ever since I was roleplaying with my friends on the playground. Right before puberty, I've started to use my creativity more. During puberty, creativity became a lifeline, my refuge from the chaos. Also, during puberty, I stumbled upon another outlet that would ultimately shape the course of my life. At fifteen years old, I couldn't believe the 300 euro in my bank account from selling worlds I built in Minecraft.
Yet, if someone told a fifteen-year-old version of myself that eight years later down the road I would be running my own business, I would have never believed them. And yet, here I stand, already six years deep into the entrepreneurial journey, still pinching myself from time to time that this is actually happening.
This collection of, hopefully poetry, is a testament to the journey of my life so far–a reflection of the highs and lows, the triumphs and setbacks, that have shaped me both as a person and a creator. It is my sincerest hope that these words may touch you, and that they stir something within you, as they have within me.
I've once read that it doesn't matter what you write, as long as it's honest and it's you. So, here's my open book. All walls torn down, right from the soul.
Welcome to the world that I built.
art
art exists of stories, poems and pictures spread out over 250 pages.
Everything has been written over multiple years.
The poems in this book are illustrating the highs and the lows of my life.
I hate writing poetry sometimes but sometimes I find it even harder to tell the truth.
The colors used in this book tell a story. The primary color is black but there are different phases. Every page has been labelled with a color which matches the mental state while creating it.
The blue pages are the 100% honest truth.
The red pages feel the heaviest.
This book is not a reproach to anything or anyone.
Still love you, Mom & Dad
The emotions, traits and behaviors we reject in our parents will
likely live on in us.
It's our unconscious way of loving them.
Ever since being a little kid, we have looked up to our parents, our heroes.
Yet, the older we grow, the more we realize it's their first time living,
too.
When family members lead unhappy lives or suffer an extremely difficult
time,
it's often easier to reject them than to feel the pain of loving them.
Anger is often an easier emotion to feel than sadness.
Dad might struggle with an alcohol addiction as a way of coping.
Mom might have manic periods where nothing is her fault.
So, instead of growing towards, I was pushing against.
Ignoring the pain actually deepens it. What is hidden from sight often
increases
in intensity. There's often sadness hibernating beneath your angry words.
The sadness won't kill you, the anger actually might.
What I failed to realize at the time is that when we try to resist
feeling something
painful, we often extend the very pain we're trying to avoid.
Doing so is a prescription for continued suffering.
I was finally beginning to understand that no experience is ever wasted,
everything that happens to us has worthiness, whether we recognize the
significance at the surface or not.
Everything in our lives ultimately leads us somewhere.
Mom & Dad, I promise, I still love you.
I don't like me anymore.
I care too much about other people, who don't care about me.
I'll go the extra mile for people who won't even take a step for me.
It's always been that way for me.
Sometimes it's okay, sometimes it's not.
Sometimes I feel good, sometimes it makes me feel like shit.
I constantly feel like I'm not measuring up, like no matter how much
effort I put in, it's never sufficient.
I don't like me.
Time To Bloom
I'm not fully ready yet to bloom.
The first flowers are already in my garden, but I'm not ready yet to bloom.
I'm scared that my roots aren't strong enough, that the last winter's
breeze will blow me away.
Sometimes it feels like everybody is ahead of me, even nature.
Maybe it's because I hide myself from the rain, or because the sun is
too
bright.
But I'm not ready yet to bloom.
TO: DOCTOR
Dear ████████████
Your patient has been registered with us:
Reason for referral
Referral POH ██████████ Skipping school, appears to be bullied at school. He is an intelligent boy, but emotionally far behind. Sees the raising of him on his mother's part as a kind of arguing, mother tries to teach him basic social and hygienic skills. Lies a lot. Thijs ran away last Friday and traveled to a man who lives in Woerden. This man is said to be known to have committed sexual offenses. His computer has been seized by the police and is being investigated. It is currently unsure whether Thijs has been abused.
why is it
so dark here
Name patient: Thijs Bernard Adriaan Hankel
Diagnostic description during intake:
Thijs is a 13-year-old boy from a troubled family, who was reported by his parents for running away after missing school routinely that led to a crisis. At that moment, Thijs felt misunderstood and over-questioned. Research shows a discordant intelligence profile with verbal skills at an average level and performance skills at an above average level.
He shows a clear discrepancy in his daily functioning, where he is still highly dependent and has little independence, and has difficulty understanding social codes of conduct and communicating with his social environment. He does not sufficiently understand the connection between his own behavior and the consequences, he does not oversee social situations and there are many daily routine skills that he has not yet mastered.
There are sufficient convincing indications for a developmental disorder within the autism spectrum; specifically Asperger's disorder. His information processing is different and delayed, he takes language literally. He is easily upset and irritable during busy times and changes, he has a great need for clarity and stability, he experiences a school day as stressful. For him, this tension also translates into complaints such as stomach aches and headaches, avoidance behavior, and he regularly feels ill before leaving for school. The risk of absenteeism is now being addressed through guidance agreements between parents, Thijs and school after a consultation at his school.
Thijs grows up in a complete family with his biological parents and an older sister. Parents and family adapt the situation to him to avoid angry moods. He is socially and emotionally younger than his calendar age and vulnerable in new situations. Thijs shows a clear motivation that he wants to commit himself to his new school after a change of school last year, where he is now attending the first year for the second time.
Classification DSM IV
Axis I - Clinical disorders
299.80 - Asperger's disorder
V61.20 - Parent-child relationship problem
Axis II - Personality disorders
V71.09 - No diagnosis. Discordant intelligence profile
Axis III - Somatic Disorders
V71.09 - No diagnosis.
Axis IV - Psychosocial and environmental problems
10 - Problems within the primary support group
30 - Parenting problems
GAF Score - Overall assessment of performance
50
where are the sheep
before sleeping
i want to count them and travel
maybe they only fly in my dreams
drooling all over my pillow
wide awake now in the dark
there is the sun
it burns the truth into my eyes
my sheep is lost
without it no sleep
Very secretly, I love having had just a little too much to drink. That is, you see, the moment when people look out for you, and then it suddenly seems like people do care about me a little bit after all.
When I finally got my head back above water and looked around for a moment, it seemed as if no one actually realized that I was almost drowning?
Conversations With Myself
Go lay down.
Where, here?
Wherever you want, it's your party
So I can lay wherever I want?
There, here, across the road. Or even on the other side of the world. But...
But?
Not everybody will like that.
Why won't they like that?
There are emotions and feelings.
So? And those are the same, right?
Feelings tell us how and emotions what. Depression is a feeling, sadness the emotions. Love is a feeling and lust is an emotion. Do you understand?
I think so... But I still don't understand why I can't lay down anywhere.
These feelings and emotions are too abstract sometimes. That's why there are rules, you can't just lay down anywhere. Some people will have problems with that.
But what did I do wrong then?
Not everything revolves around you. You don't live alone, but with others. You need to consider that.
Why? And what if I don't?
This way you won't make any friends.
Why would I need friends?
Friends give you the feeling life is worth living.
But is that so?
I don't know. Maybe you live you find out. For who are you living?
For myself of course. But why do I feel so alone?
Are you happy to be alive?
Sometimes. But only when I do something I like. I don't like to be lonely and suffer.
Is that why you always wear a mask?
That's right. When I don't wear a mask nobody has respect for me. Including you.
There you go again. Acting like you're worth nothing. You only maintain your personality with the praise you get from others.
Nobody wants to see the real me.
You have been teaching yourself from that start that you're worthless. That's why you have never given yourself a chance.
I often feel unwanted. It feels like nobody cares about me.
There's always a black hole that we won't ever be able to fill, but this also gives you the strength to keep on living. So live with your feelings and emotions. The time is up... It is time to stand up.
this conversation only took
place in my mind
And when everything feels like it's falling apart in your world, it's actually when everything falls together.
I might have disassociated so hard I don't remember half my life and I can only remember most of my memories if someone else brings them up. I cannot recall more than half my life.
“Maybe “forever” is a word meant for memories, not people”
Sunflower
If a sunflower can spend its entire life glazing at the sun that never once looked down, what's wrong with adoring someone knowing they won't love you back?
Similar to a sunflower, I would consume my day pivoting toward the sun, orienteering my very existence around the star I devote in.
But it's a one-sided relationship, even if I constantly adore the sun. You would still be shining indiscriminately, unaware of any particular flower. And maybe that's palatable. Perhaps all I'd ever need in this life, is a source of light I can bloom in.
In the way sunflowers would turn back to the east every night just to wait for dawn, I would constantly be going back to the idea of us, waiting for a possibility that might ever happen. A dawn is not promised—so is our fate.
Your light is beyond captivating, my soul stretches towards it—like a sunflower that grows for meters just to reach for sunlight.
I'm envious of the boy that broke your heart, not because he hurt you (no, never that), but rather because he got to experience your love. And I'll wait—the same manner how sunflowers wait for dawn—until you're ready to bloom in someone else again.
You truly are enchanting, my dear star, but I am merely a sunflower, and you are the sun I center my life around.
If I open up the window, and the rain pours inside. Is it then my mistake, because I wanted fresh air?